I did it my way

...this is what I would like to say at the end of the day, and it's one of my all-time fav songs as well.

And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend, I'll say it clear,
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain.

I've lived a life thats full.
I've traveled each and every highway;
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Regrets, Ive had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.

I planned each charted course;
Each careful step along the byway,
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way.

I've loved, I've laughed and cried.
I've had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.

To think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
No, oh no not me,
I did it my way.

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
And did it my way!

Illusory detachment

So much for reminding self to disengage or detach from certain situation or things, and the truth is...

"There is only attachment; there is no such thing as detachment. The mind invents detachment as a reaction to the pain of attachment. When you react to attachment by becoming "detached", you are attracted to something else. So that whole process is one of attachment. You are attached to your wife or your husband, to your children, to ideas, to tradition, to authority, and so on; and your reaction to that attachment is detachment. The cultivation of detachment is the outcome of sorrow, pain. You want to escape from the pain of attachment, and your escape is to find something to which you think you can be attached. So there is only attachment, and it is a stupid mind that cultivates detachment. All the books say, "Be detached," but what is the truth of the matter? If you observe your own mind, you will see an extraordinary thing -- that through cultivating detachment, your mind is becoming attached to something else." J. Krishnamurti

Where the end meets the beginning

Is this what we call life?

STUFF in my life

I know I have lots of stuff, and I keep lots of stuff...but I have little idea of how much stuff I threw or give away or recycle them.

Stumbled upon this interesting and informative clip. It gives a good snapshot of how things work in this world. I also like the way how the information is being presented, via pictorial illustration (yea, I like things being simple).


It's Christmas now so I guess it's a good time to start. Before I grab some stuff for my family or friends as prezzies, I better make sure it's not some stuff that would fall into obsolescence...but some useful stuff they need. Yup, the keyword is NEED.

The challenge to unlearn

"Learning isn't easy" - how often do we hear that?

Think again.
It's the un-learning that is tough.

Try unlearning our driving or cycling skills...skills get rusty over time, but they would never be unlearned. Likewise for the societal expectations...we are used to living under the scrutiny of others. Or rather, we have been brought up under such environment.

Try to unlearn living according to social rules or norms, to unlearn the comfort-seeking needs, to unlearn having desires...good to be mindful but to actually do it?

My feel: instead of trying to unlearn, I think it should be learning how to deal with what has been learnt. That might be easier :)

When I am old

WH sent this to me recently. Am deeply touched by it...

I would like to share this with you...as a reminder for ourselves. And, I hope it tugs at your heartstrings as much as it did to mine.

《当我老了》 ——写给孩子的一封信
当我老了，不再是原来的我。
请理解我，对我有一点耐心。

当我把菜汤洒到自己的衣服上时，
当我忘记怎样系鞋带时，
请想一想当初我是如何手把手地教你。

当我一遍又一遍地重复你早已听腻的话语，
请耐心地听我说，不要打断我。
你从小的时候，我不得不重复那个讲过千百遍的故事，
直到你进入梦乡。

当我需要你帮我洗澡时，请不要责备我。
还记得小时候我千方百计哄你洗澡的情形吗？

当我对新科技和新事物不知所措时，请不要嘲笑我。
想一想当初我怎样耐心地回答你的每一个“为什么”。

当我由于双脚疲劳而无法行走时，
请伸出你年轻有力的手搀扶我。
就像你小时候学习走路时，我扶你那样。

当我忽然忘记我们谈话的主题，请给我一些时间让我回想。
其实对我来说，谈论什么并不重要，
只要你能在一旁听我说，我就很满足。

当你看着老去的我，请不要悲伤。
理解我，支持我，就像你刚开始
学习如何生活时我对你那样。

当初我引导你走上人生的路，
如今请陪我走完最后的路。
给我你的爱和耐心，我会报以感激的微笑。
这微笑中凝结着我对你无限的爱。

文章择选自墨西哥《数字家庭》2004年11月号

'Singapore Dreaming' afternoon

Today’s somewhat a family day for me. Decided to take the afternoon off and spend time with my family. So it was movie time for my folks and I decided to screen Singapore Dreaming since it has Hokkien, English and Mandarin dialogues.

Well, watching a movie with folks isn’t easy. Had to check on them from time to time, looking at how they were responding to the movie. It’s almost as if I were the one who produced or directed the movie. Anyway, I am glad it turned out well…my folks were laughing at certain scenes (which is really heartwarming to see) and it is obvious they enjoy the Hokkien dialogue most :)

And there was a particular scene that I was drawn to...the one between Lim Yu Beng’s character and the Chinese national drinking at the hawker center. Can’t remember the exact words exchanged but the Chinese national said something like this to Lim Yu Beng’s character:

"…you give up your dream so that you can work and try to earn more money. While I work and try to earn more money so that I can pursue my dream…"

Mmmm…Singapore dreaming…and mmMMM our dreaming…so which is which?

Untitled

See, instead of look
Listen, instead of hear
Smell, instead of inhale
Savor, instead of devour
Feel, instead of touch
Reflect, instead of being aware
Interact, instead of prattle

Life would be more interesting and meaningful this way…

Feeling alive once again

Am finally getting some of my life back…for a while, I was in the mode of I-do-what-I-need-to. I was cold. I dealt with what was required. It was Murphy’s Law at work. There’s nothing I can do, but deal with whatever’s coming my way. Even if there’s time for me to ponder ‘why me?’, I chose not to. Even till now, I will not entertain to this question. No point in harping, worrying, self-pitying…it may sound emotional-less, but as long as I keep things going, and the spirits are up. Nothing can be daunting right?

Time or Life waits for no one. The dark clouds will go away, and the blue sky and sun will be revealed once again…

The power of numbers

Numbers speak volume. In politics, economics, statistics… as well as physics, mathematics, geography…

On a macro level, we need numbers to substantiate our stand, to prove our/its existence, to use as evidence…it is concrete, visible to everyone (and cold). And we feel safe with numbers.

Can we use numbers to deal with emotions? In my line of work, I seldom use numbers (despite coming from a pure Science stream and majoring in Mathematics). Most of the time, I use words…words to express emotions, visuals to convey the mood or framework of findings. At times, I wonder how I manage to switch my viewpoint from a see-what-and-know-what to a know-how-and-see-why perspective.

And perhaps I have been in the know-how-and-see-why mindset for too long that I am beginning to feel lost? Confused?

XY: How much do you like it?
nomad: Eh?
XY: In percentage…do you like it up to 80%? Or 70%?
nomad: Hmmm… (silently thinking if I can equate my emotions to percentage)
XY: Well, if you like 80% of it, dislike 20% of it...maybe you should consider magnifying the 80%, overpowering the 20% you dislike.
nomad: …right… (nodding to show that I understood what she meant, at the same time, digesting that piece of advice)…

Numbers help to simplify things (but of cos, instances of over-simplification happen too). In my case, it helps to put things into perspective.

Yes, the fog in my head is clearing a little…not totally cleared but at least I am feeling calmer with the figures in my head now.

AARHHH!!!

The back-to-reality blues…

* *Sparkle* *

Met BC for coffee yesterday, and I found something in him which I have not seen it in many of us for a very long time…

The sparkle in his eyes…when he was telling me about his life.

It was a refreshing feel because it’s been a long while since I last spoke to someone with so much zest for life. Feelings of envy, gladness, guilt and sadness start to creep in...and I start to wonder what happened to my ‘sparkle’.

I remember when I first started working, I was working crazy hours 24/7… WH/GL almost gave up on me (cos either I was often late for our regular gathering or I was out of town). Some pragmatic friends advised me to quit my job – for that number of hours I put in, it’s not worth the money earned.

But hey, I was YOUNG, full of energy, with a strong thirst for knowledge and experience, and I ENJOY pushing my limits. So I work hard, I play hard. And I believe I had that sparkle in my eyes during that period. The feeling of being alive, the passion for what I was doing…it’s that driving force that pumps my bloodstream.

So what’s pumping my bloodstream now? Deadline pressures…I have now become the ‘disengaged worker’. Dammit. I hate this feeling.

I told BC to stay close to his heart…continue to emit that sparkle.

I have already lost mine, but am not losing hope…I will continue to search for it…

Closer than you know

Was reading manic dEliRiuM moment (particularly tHe PoiNT entry), and this thought came to me…

For each day we live, we are a step closer to death.

We do not know when it would happen but we know for sure it will happen.

We have a choice on how we want to lead our lives...so how are you living yours?

Sometimes I wish I were…

…a writer, a music composer, or an artist so that people are more willing to accept my nonchalance, my detachment at times, convoluted or delusional thoughts, cynical outlook, or my freelancing lifestyle.

I know this is me stereotyping (typecasting these occupations which unfortunately are usually associated with some form of eccentricities or atypical lifestyle) but problem is many couldn’t understand what I am doing with my life. I suppose it’s the UNCERTAINTY in life that most would choose not to deal with it, as it would conflict with their desire for security in their lives. Translate security into having a stable job, stable income, getting married, and so on and so forth. Hmm…I still don’t quite see it, or rather I made the choice of not pursuing that so let me continue to deal and live with the uncertainty, the so-called insecurity, in my life.

Know your league

Was clearing my emails when I stumbled upon sthg I sent to some frens eons ago...think Bak Chew has seen it. It's from my all-time fav author - Robert Fulghum...problem is I dunno where I quoted it from (his books? or website?) *scratch head* Anyways, here it is... something to ponder :)

=============================================================
Some sense of being successful in life may lie in knowing which league to play in. If your dream of success means playing striker on a World Cup soccer team and you are short, chubby, and slow, you will die disappointed.
Wrong league.
If you are pleased to play goalie on a local playground team with other short, chubby, and slow people – and you have a wonderful time doing it, then you are a successful soccer player.
Right league.
And the same is true for any sport – tennis, baseball, volleyball, poker or whatever - pick a league worthy of your abilities and flourish there.

Or, as Epictetus said in the 4th century B.C.:
"If you can fish, fish. If you can sing, sing. If you can fight, fight. Determine what you can do. And do that."

Likewise, some sense of being successful in life may lie in knowing on which scale you work best. For example, an astronomer is one whose mind can function on a cosmic scale. A physicist is one whose mind can handle the quantum scale. A theologian – a metaphysical scale. A historian deals with the long picture. A psychiatrist works with the deep picture. A cook or taxi driver works with the immediate situation. Poets and artists work on a very personal scale. Politicians – the public arena.
Many die confused and unfulfilled because they spend a life trying to perform above their abilities and perspective – usually a matter of working on the wrong scale.

Epictetus said, "Why worry about being a nobody when what matters is being a somebody in those areas of your life over which you have control, and in which you can make a difference?"

Why am I telling you this?
Two reasons. My 70th year begins this week, and I am in a reflective mood.
And my thinking was provoked when I arrived in Crete this year and found on my desk a letter to me from a German scholar who had lived in my house for a time while I was away. (She has read my books and reads my web-site journal postings.)
After expressing appropriate appreciation for my writing and the use of the house, she asked some hard questions:
Why did I not address the political issues of our time, especially the actions of the present American government administration? Why did I not address the humanitarian issues of our day? Why was I not outraged as an American with the evil done on my behalf? Did I agree that might makes right, that the end justifies the means, and that God is on our side? How can I support the fundamental position of Zionist Israel? Did I really believe the American Way was the only Way? Did I have any real understanding of how America is perceived in the world now? How much hatred and contempt is felt? Why was I silent on these burning issues? Why did I not run for office and do something?

Answer: It is a matter of league and scale.

My mind works in the scale of the local, the daily, and the ordinary.
Writing about that is the league in which I am competent.
I tend to be simple-minded, plain-spoken, and optimistic.
I attend to my corner of the world as best I can with the tools I have.

Of course I know that evil and ugliness exists, as much now as ever.
These get all the headlines. We all get the bad news.
And I send money and vote and march in response.
But I remain astonished at the good and lovely that exists.
And most of it is free and readily available – if I stay open-eyed.

Of course there is reason for pessimism.
We shall all die. The earth will fall into the sun.
Meanwhile . . . is the league and scale of the amateurs like me.

I have not the skill to play professional sports. Wrong league.
I have not the competence to be an astrologer, physicist, theologian, chef, historian, politician, psychiatrist, cook, or taxi driver. Wrong scale. Nor the talent to be a poet, musician, or artist. Nor writer of great literature or even thrillers or detective stories or political commentary. Not me.
When people ask why don't I do this and this and this instead of that and that and that, I can only say that I am a man who has found his league and scale, who goes about trying to be awake to the news of the immediate ordinary world; to make sense of what I see; to pass it on with the implied question: have you seen what I see?
Look! Don't miss the good stuff – that is my message.

There. Not self-defense or apology.
Just a statement of position.
Meanwhile . . . I know what I can do.
Meanwhile. . . I do it.

Stop and Stare

…by OneRepublic

This town is colder now, I think it's sick of us
It's time to make our move, I'm shakin off the rust
I've got my heart set on anywhere but here
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years
Steady hands, just take the wheel...
And every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal... for the life I lead

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're 'here' not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can u see what I see

They're tryin to come back, all my senses push
Un-tie the weight bags, I never thought I could...
Steady feet, don't fail me now
Gonna run till you can't walk
But something pulls my focus out
And I'm standing down...

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be, oh
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, you don't need
What u need, what u need...

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be
Oh, do u see what I see...

Ever felt like this before? I do… even more so recently.

Yah, worse scenario is reaching nowhere but I think the worst would be not giving oneself a chance to try ‘to go’. I may reach nowhere ultimately but at least I know I tried.

久病床前無孝子

…that’s what the Taiwan consumers are saying (am working on a project involving senior citizens). How aptly put. Though I am still far away from the senior age bracket, this is something that I am wary of.

Our common fear: fall sick and become a burden to others. As much as we say we want to ensure our healthiness and make sure we don’t fall ill in the most miserable way, we can’t run away from the fact that we indeed need someone to care for us in our later years. Or even just to check on us (to make sure we are still alive and kicking, not ‘departed’ without anyone knowing).

Recall the story reported in the papers sometime back - an elderly Chinese couple who puts up a ‘recruitment ad’ for a daughter? They are looking for a “daughter” who can look after them, despite them having a real daughter living in the States (can’t remember the exact details). It’s depressing…but that’s the reality. No matter how filial a child is to a parent, there’s a threshold of so much one can take. It’s a good thing that some organizations are creating awareness about supporting the caregivers currently. Likewise, being part of the aging population myself in future, I also see that it’s my responsibility to embrace the fact that I will need to rely on people somehow in my later years.

Saying this reminds me of Tuesdays with Morris (one of the books I would recommend if one wants to understand about living and humility) – learn to let go and be humble.