Falling Slowly

After a LONG hiatus...here's something to share

[From Once OST]

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You've made it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice
You've made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

Enlightening aphorism

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

Back from the ruins

I needed to get away for a while...although not my ideal break, it was still a good distraction.

Streets of Phnom Penh
Buzz....buzz...buzz...
and almost everything's in USD...

Food-wise, it was average for me. Its local cuisine doesn't have a distinct flavour like Vietnamese (with lots of herbs, spice) or Thai (clear distinct tastes such as sour, spicy). Tried its porridge, soups, veg...hmm, it's like a combination of Chinese, Viet (less herbs, spice used), Thai style.


At the Royal Palace, Toul Sleng Genocide Musuem...












Angkor Wat, Siem Reap

Sunset at Angkor Wat...unfortunately the sun was feeling shy that day and insisted on hiding behind the clouds. Then again, it's still beautiful in its unique way.

Angkor Wat, and other temples during the day

Lost civilization, fallen city, remnants left behind by the 'tomb-raiders'...

It's actually quite a nice sanctuary, away from the street noise (not from the tourists though).



Sunrise at Angkor Wat
Nice...










What further makes this trip more memorable...

Our lodgings...especially at The Villa Siem Reap, and Villa Langka (:

I did it my way

...this is what I would like to say at the end of the day, and it's one of my all-time fav songs as well.

And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend, I'll say it clear,
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain.

I've lived a life thats full.
I've traveled each and every highway;
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Regrets, Ive had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.

I planned each charted course;
Each careful step along the byway,
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way.

I've loved, I've laughed and cried.
I've had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.

To think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
No, oh no not me,
I did it my way.

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
And did it my way!

A motivating track

Whenever I listen to this from Little Miss Sunshine, it reminds me of the movie and I would tell myself this -- no matter how dysfunctional life can be, there's always a tinge of optimism somewhere.


Maybe a little of the Ah-Q mentality...ah wells...it's not easy living with my dad who is suffering from MG, and my gran who just recovered from a minor stroke. So enjoy the ride whenever possible - curse the potholes, and rejoice in the smooth drive.

Illusory detachment

So much for reminding self to disengage or detach from certain situation or things, and the truth is...

"There is only attachment; there is no such thing as detachment. The mind invents detachment as a reaction to the pain of attachment. When you react to attachment by becoming "detached", you are attracted to something else. So that whole process is one of attachment. You are attached to your wife or your husband, to your children, to ideas, to tradition, to authority, and so on; and your reaction to that attachment is detachment. The cultivation of detachment is the outcome of sorrow, pain. You want to escape from the pain of attachment, and your escape is to find something to which you think you can be attached. So there is only attachment, and it is a stupid mind that cultivates detachment. All the books say, "Be detached," but what is the truth of the matter? If you observe your own mind, you will see an extraordinary thing -- that through cultivating detachment, your mind is becoming attached to something else." J. Krishnamurti

It's not a stroke, it's MG

We thought it was a stroke, but it wasn't. It is now confirmed that my dad is suffering from myasthenia gravis, a neuromuscular disease (to find out more, visit http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Myasthenia_gravis) .

It's not a common disease, and I have yet to find a succinct answer when people ask me, "what's that?". Basically, myasthenia gravis (MG for short) is a condition in which the body produces antibodies that act on the muscle by weakening it. As the symptoms come and go, it's hard to detect and not easily diagnosed unless we are speaking to the right specialist, in this case, a neurologist. But how often do we consult one?

Anyway, this is how we discover... just 3 weeks ago, my dad decided to seek TCM as an alternative treatment for his respiratory problems (he had a severe case of pneumonia last year and was placed in Intensive Care Unit for a few days, hence is now recovering from the remnants of pneumonia). When he first stepped into the TCM consulting room, the first comment the Chinese physician gave was "你中风了" ("you had a stroke"). Because of his drooping left eyelid, and weak facial expression, the physician suspected he had a stroke. And THAT, that comment completely put my parents on a panic mode.

The next thing we did was call upon his respiratory doctor in-charge and told him about it. CT scans were arranged for the chest and brain. In the meantime, we waited for results. The waiting was torturous. We started to examine his bodily cues/symptoms, any sort that would suggest signs of stroke. We changed his diet just to be safe. We had to go through the emotional ride again...and we thought we just survived an eventful 2007! Given what had happened last year, I went to buy books on coping with stroke and about optimum diet, with the intention of preparing myself and my family on the next steps.

One week later, the results were out. The respiratory doctor, too, suspected it was stroke because there was an infarction in his left hemisphere (though find it strange that he had a drooping left eyelid). That said, he referred us to a neurologist (which is normal procedure for stroke patients) for a more accurate diagnosis. So we went.

The neurologist asked questions, did physical examination, repetitive nerve stimulation test, etc tests. He said, "He has myasthenia gravis..."

What mya...? Did I hear gravis? All I know is that gravis means serious!

"...but it's treatable" added the doctor. TReatable - yes, that's a relief to know. The doc started explaining the pathology and its treatment. My dad needs to be on medication long term. However, during the initial stage of medication, his health condition might weaken before it picks up and shows improvement. The weakening stage can be life-threatening if one is not careful so he strongly advised we admit my dad in for the first 5-6 days when he's taking the medicine.

The events -- the visit to the doc's clinic for the scan results, our expected it's-a-stroke-confirmation which turned out to be a neuromuscular disease, and the inpatient treatment that needs to be commenced asap -- occurred within the same day. The turmoil of emotions that went through us...indescribable. Relieved that it was not stroke, but some autoimmune disorder? Puzzled about how 'lucky' (or suay) my dad is? Fortunate that the disease can be controlled? And the thought of he being hospitalised AGAIN?

What can we do, but simply move with the motion of things - registering, waiting for the ward, arranging for meals and the 'usual' logistic issues (I hate to say this but we have been through this process numerous times)...

Throughout the stay, he showed improvement and could speak more clearly. No more slurring, no more drooping eyelid. He looked much much better :) ...however, these occur only when the medicine is taking effect. Once the medicine loses its magic, the symptoms return. Indeed, medication is going to be on a long-term basis.

On the fifth day, he was discharged. That should spell the end of things, isn't it? I don't know. A couple of scans is further needed to check on his thymus because it is supposedly the culprit for the antibodies...

So the wait begins again...

Voidness in me

Just couldn't write much.
Couldn't find the words to describe my emotions.
Or maybe there wasn't much left to begin with.
Exhausted, drained...feeling robotic.

Where the end meets the beginning

Is this what we call life?

To lose focus

It hurts.
The clarity of it.
The sharpness of everything.
My eyes need to rest.
At this point in time,
I don't mind having a blurred vision...

I miss the mountains

"...in The Age of Missing Information, Bill McKibben...compares what he learns from a week in the mountains to what he learns from watching a week's worth of cable television. On the mountaintop, McKibben experiences himself as small yet connected to something large and awe-inspiring. He comes down from the mountain calm and clear-thinking. Watching cable for a week, he hears over and over that he has unmet needs, that he is grossly inadequate, yet he still is the center of the universe, deserving of everything he wants. McKibben ended the week feeling unfocused, agitated, and alone."

~Mary Pipher's Writing to Change the World

Shoo!

I like this doormat...really like it. I should have bought it home!!!
[selling at the Kitchen Kettle Village, Lancaster, PA]

Once lost in... (part II)

Washington DC
Did the typical sightseeing...visited the Capitol, Washington Monument, the reflecting pool, a couple of Smithsonian museums (strongly recommend the Holocaust Memorial Museum)...




Georgetown - an industrial town reborn as a fashionable hangout place for yuppies. However, I much prefer the Chesapeake & Ohio Canal and the Potomac River, away from the bustling streets which offers a more serene experience.






Old Town Alexandria, VA

A quaint historic town...and I particularly like the Torpedo Factory Art Center which houses galleries, workshops, studios where the artists, sculptors, photographers, jewelry designers, etc work and display their pieces.




New York City, NY

Indeed, the place is buzzing. Like what 叶子 says, it is truly a melting pot and a cosmopolitan city. I found myself loving the city more and more as the days passed. I enjoy its liveliness , though am not sure if I can live there over a long period of time.


I suppose the way to love this place is to explore the place by foot. I stumbled upon Strand Bookstore when I walked past the NYU. A must-visit for book-lovers. Customers can even bring their pets into the bookstore. How cool is that!

I went to catch a Broadway show (Avenue Q ) which is damn hilarious. Visited Harlem too....hmm yes, my skin colour definitely stands out but I still feel kinda safe when I was exploring the streets on my own during the daytime. The building landscape (low-lying historic buildings) is certainly different from the skyscrapers you see in downtown. I signed up for a walking tour whereby a Harlem-born-and-bred guide brought me and a few other tourists around the place and shared with us the history. The history may not be new to know, but it's interesting to hear it from someone who grew up in the neighbourhood, and to see/hear/feel his pride and passion he has for Harlem and of his identity.

Once lost in...

Skaneateles, NY


The bench (alone)
Surrounded by serenity and tranquility










Niagara Falls


What can I say...I couldn't witness the full falls despite going over to Ontario even. But I am contented with the winter sight of it, the wetness of the mist, the appearing and disappearing of rainbows...and brr...







Finger Lakes, NYThis is certainly hibernation...little or no activities are happening (it's a place for summer activities). Even some motels or inns are closed. Left untouched by human activities...you can judge from the snow pile-up on the picnic benches, wooden stairs...it's simply beautiful.

Lancaster County, PA

Experiencing the Amish culture and its heritage...by the way, Auntie Anne's Pretzels originated from here. And here's also where one sees Amish buggies as part of transportation, and not some touristy rides you see in Philly or NYC.




Philadelphia, PA
I was there on Christmas Eve. Almost everything and everywhere was closed. Disappointed? Absolutely not. I had my Philly's cheese steak. Ooo...you've got to try it! It's different from other states...taste much much better.

I had mine at one of those cheese steak stores where one will be warmly greeted by the grease and grilled smell in the air once stepped into the store, and can almost feel the grease on the seats, tables, everywhere...and 'admire' the art vandalism in the restroom (:



Shenandoah Valley, VA
Did I say I was lost in the mountains?














Mormon temple, VA
Experienced the nature, culture, food...so religion has to be one aspect of the journey too (coincidentally!). Visited a Swedish cathedral on Christmas Eve in Philly (because all places were closed), and then a Mormon temple in VA (because the architecture looks quite modern that it doesn't look 'religious' at all). Oh yes, I nearly stepped into the Scientology Church in NYC as well (but it was closed).

Infatuated with...

Oh yeah, I still miss the mountains. Took this video clip (pardon my amateur filming) in Shenandoah when we were driving along the scenic path. The shadow of the car cast upon the cliff of the mountains...and a soundtrack of the Shenandoah Valley being played in the background.

And all of these were unplanned. Perfect unison :)

On wheels & on foot

I am back.

Did I come back rejuvenated? Did I ‘find’ myself there? Did I come back still the same old me? I shall let you judge. Here’s some bits and pieces of my traveling experience…

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During the first leg of my journey, I was literally traveling on wheels (many thanks to my aunt who took time off to travel together). The luxury of stopping by at places when we feel like resting, having desserts, or feel like capturing and savoring the sunset in winter (you have no idea how sunset-crazy we are!). Winter is beautiful in its unique ways, despite nature in its hibernation mode.

In the later part of my journey, I was on my own. Hence it was either on foot or taking public transport. Me being me, I walked most time. I walked like there’s no horizon. I took detours, I meandered through small streets, I stopped and rested in parks when the sun’s out and the wind less chilly. And yeah, I walked too much that my feet grew blisters. But what the hell, I carried on walking. It was therapeutic :)