Voidness in me

Just couldn't write much.
Couldn't find the words to describe my emotions.
Or maybe there wasn't much left to begin with.
Exhausted, drained...feeling robotic.

To lose focus

It hurts.
The clarity of it.
The sharpness of everything.
My eyes need to rest.
At this point in time,
I don't mind having a blurred vision...

* *Sparkle* *

Met BC for coffee yesterday, and I found something in him which I have not seen it in many of us for a very long time…

The sparkle in his eyes…when he was telling me about his life.

It was a refreshing feel because it’s been a long while since I last spoke to someone with so much zest for life. Feelings of envy, gladness, guilt and sadness start to creep in...and I start to wonder what happened to my ‘sparkle’.

I remember when I first started working, I was working crazy hours 24/7… WH/GL almost gave up on me (cos either I was often late for our regular gathering or I was out of town). Some pragmatic friends advised me to quit my job – for that number of hours I put in, it’s not worth the money earned.

But hey, I was YOUNG, full of energy, with a strong thirst for knowledge and experience, and I ENJOY pushing my limits. So I work hard, I play hard. And I believe I had that sparkle in my eyes during that period. The feeling of being alive, the passion for what I was doing…it’s that driving force that pumps my bloodstream.

So what’s pumping my bloodstream now? Deadline pressures…I have now become the ‘disengaged worker’. Dammit. I hate this feeling.

I told BC to stay close to his heart…continue to emit that sparkle.

I have already lost mine, but am not losing hope…I will continue to search for it…

Feeling high and dry

It has a life on its own.
It feeds on anything that’s alive.
It sucks the victim dry.
It leaves the victim high.

But it is also kind.
At times, it makes the victim happy (but how often?)
Other times, it makes the victim gloomy (oh, how frequent it is!)
What an emotional ride…
It drains the victim dry.
It leaves the victim high.

Some says the victim is blind,
Some says it’s the victim’s plight,
Some says the victim deserves it
For it is the victim that creates it --
WORK

[Wrote this some time ago...dry because I was brain-drained and high because I was in a state of high after working for long hours]

My recent working companion

…for the past week has been Radiohead’s Fake Plastic Trees.

Perhaps it’s age…I find solace in songs I grew up listening to. Or maybe it’s the melancholy mood of this song that is appealing to me. *chuckle* yes, am drawn to melancholism. It does make me feel gloomy, but I feel at ease with it. I think it’s part of me.

Song is also about mass consumerism…everything turning into plastic, becoming unreal…

"A green plastic watering can
For a fake Chinese rubber plant
In the fake plastic earth…"

Jus to become ‘the someone’ that someone wants you to become…

"And if I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted
All the time, all the time"

And as the chorus goes…"it wears me out, it wears me out"…